This just in: Sources say I am a handsome man.
Sources -- well-connected sources close to the investigation -- say that I am a lot of fun at parties.
Sources who asked to remain anonymous say that I am extremely well endowed, and that I know how to use it.
Sources then went on to say that I have extraordinary business insights and professional acumen.
Sources familiar with events in question have told me that if they had to choose between breathing air and being around me, they would have to think long and hard.
Some of those same well-placed sources say that I am an upstanding citizen who contributes to his community and loves his family.
In addition, I have interviewed (exclusive!) MULTIPLE sources who say that perfect strangers who pass within a 100-foot radius of me often spontaneously experience what yogis call nirvana.
One extremely sourcey source says that I have an orbital fracture, and that this probably justifies just about anything I might have done with or without a gun in my hand (which sources say was absolutely nothing, by the way, so back the fuck off).
One source, who wished to remain unnamed but should be considered unimpeachable, suggested that if I ever struck someone or visited injury upon anyone, it was probably well deserved.
Sources have suggested that my account of events is unimpeachable, and any eyewitnesses who suggest otherwise are grinding an axe.
Trusted sources would like to remind you that sources who name themselves and speak directly into a camera cannot be trusted, even if those so-called "sources" tell the same story.
Sources have urged that you ignore what your own two eyes tell you, and wait for all of the real facts to trickle in. Sources would like to remind you that this will take months, during which time sources will present you with things sources say have been said by other sources. Sources would like to discourage you from complaining about this, as it will only delay the process.
Sources are now reporting that it is time to go back to sleep.
A source who has asked to remain unnamed now pats you gently on the top of your head.
"There, there." - source